How to look hot and undeniably irresistible in the gym.
Of course, that’s not to assume that’s why you are going to the gym. Nor is it to suggest any form of inappropriateness within. I mean well, folks. I really do. After all, the reality is that we’re all a bunch of sexy bitches waiting to be unleashed, we just sometimes need a little push..or shove. Pardon my language, or my unwillingness to hold back, but don’t we all just want to be free. I don’t mean running around the streets stark naked free, there are definitely more ways than that to feel completely unscathed and liberated. Exercise and eating healthy is what I’m talking about. No dodging that bullet. No siree…Of course, looking sexy doesn’t require that you are skinny, or have certain measurements, hell, I’m just talking about holding your head up high and feeling that unwavering, unfaltering breeze of euphoria that comes from doing something you love. Unfortunately, I’m a pretty simple person, who rarely comes up with recipes in the kitchen, and when I do, rest assure that I got my husband wearing that frontal man cape. I think of things individually and like quick and easy, so I usually end throwing it all together and if it’s good, I’ll share. If not, I’ll just eat my plain, simple, boring food to myself and keep my mouth shut. BUT…I do love to exercise!
I certainly don’t claim to be the know all and end all of exercise, but I can attest to you that it gives me a rush; that unwavering sense of freedom that nothing else has been able to provide. And truthfully? I think everyone should exercise and try to eat better. I think we all deserve to become healthier. We can all come together and share our mashed-whatevers and benefit from it, why not? But for now, I’m going to skip talking about nutrition and focus on the exercise part. The way to feel so damn confident in a gym when you walk in there, and look over and see just a bunch of men grunting and lifting hundreds of pounds up over their head, and run away in dismay. Hey, there ARE men who feel this way too though. It’s one of the many stereotypes that prevent you from unleashing your inner strength and super powers to do what you think is unachievable or unattainable. Well, ladies, (in particular) I’m telling you not to be afraid of the weight lifting room. Get in there and do it!
Step 1. Throw hair unevenly and unkempt with thick elastic rubber band in a messy bun…seriously, it’s not about your hair or makeup. Let the pieces fall where they may.
Step 2. Throw on a comfortable sports bra-one that doesn’t weigh the girls down. One brand, I like, although a tad pricier, is Lululemon. Trust me, their sports bras provide awesome support for any size. You want them secure. You don’t want them trying to lift the weights for you. Next, throw a tank top or tshirt on over it (I prefer tank top, because it gets all hot and sweaty in a t-shirt) but again, it’s really about what you feel most comfortable in wearing. Add some gym pants, leggings, something breathable. Again, another brand I am fond of is Underarmour; it literally feels like your working out in your own skin. Of course don’t forget your sneakers. Seriously, I’ve seen women come to the gym wearing heels. Um. No. We’re going to actually have to sweat!
Step 3. Make sure you plaster a look of steel on your face. You mean business. So practice your “back off look” in the mirror several times in the locker room mirror if you have to.
Step 4. Walk around like you own the gym. Make eye contact with NO ONE. If you make eye contact, this will:
a. Open up a forceful discussion, with your mind racing as to how you’re going to politely escape.
b. Make you look vulnerable. If you’re a girl in a gym full of dudes, you want to look like you know your shit, even if you don’t.
(If you’re a newbie..follow above instructions, except walk over to the weight rack or machine-don’t actually pick anything up though-no injuries here. (think back to middle school cafeteria and you being the one knocking all of the trays onto the floor) Further newbie instructions: Never. Ever. Remove the face of steel. You will not falter. You will not fail. You will not give up or be intimidated. You OWN the gym. Make sure you have a water bottle, your workout programmed on your phone or in a notebook tracker. This will provide you with something to glance at in case you feel awkward or feel your gaze drifting towards any one person (whatever you do, don’t follow the most muscly guy in the joint, he’s probably a tad experienced for you at this point).
Step 5: for intermediate to advanced: Complete your entire workout, sweat and all, Trust me, the harder you work, the more weight you lift, the sweatier you will be, the more fat calories will drip off of you, pour from you, seep off you like a bedroom of hot steamy makeup sex.
Step 6: Go home, lather, rinse and repeat.
Guaranteed: the more you follow these instructions, the sexier you will get.
Warning: You will end up the hottest bitch at the gym. Or so you may think so. I’m pretty certain you will be though. Making direct eye contact with yourself in the mirror whilst working out will only exacerbate feelings of sexiness within.
Side effects: Soaking wet clothes-(think sweaty cleavage) Tousled bedroom hair, increased camera phone self-portrait shots, (which can cause a potentially hazardous stream of photos plastered on the internet), sultry rock hard body.
Most important, rock hard body or not: A healthier you!
You’ve been warned. Proceed with caution.